Another crazy dream...with a point!

So, part of pregnancy is very vivid dreams. I promise they will stop and I won't be so "philosophical" after the baby comes :) I don't always remember my dreams, and they are usually very random and crazy, and not worth mentioning, but every now and then...one will stand out as something I can learn from. Last night was one of those, it woke me up out of a sound sleep and I can still remember it vividly, so it must be important!

Here goes. Be prepared-- its a little strange...but there IS a point.

A human fell in love with a monkey, and the monkey with him. She told him that in order to marry, he would have to become a monkey too...He thought, easy...I can do that! So she put him through "monkey school" He learned all the basics, like grooming, monkey language-- and weirdly enough in the dream they even had him READ monkey...LOL. He spent a lot of time and effort and worked very hard to learn to be like a monkey. When he was done there was only one small thing left. He had to be changed inside, through magic- so that he would actually BE a monkey.

Now the human knew this was coming, but he thought if he acted like a monkey, and learned everything about being a monkey- that it would be enough. He truly loved the monkey girl and wanted to make her happy- so shouldn't it be enough? He pretended to go through the motions of the magic and the monkeys aren't super smart so they didn't figure out that he wasn't really a monkey. The girl monkey suspected he hadn't really changed inside, but she thought it would be enough. The Monkey and the human (wannabe monkey) were married. They were happy for awhile, and the monkey was so glad that he had changed for her. But slowly over time little things started to creep up, little things that were just easier to do as a human. It didn't happen all at once, but evenutally the human decided that he was tired of acting like a monkey...it was HARD. It was much easier to be a human, and he had the girl now- so why pretend anymore. He still loved her, but at this point he felt like she should just accept him for who he was. This is where I woke up. I can't say what happened in the long run but I will tell you what part of my subconscious came up with this crazy analogy and what it means.

I have a good friend who started dating and converted a non-member to the church. He went through the motions, and seemed to have a strong testimony. He even waited a year so that they could get married in the temple after his baptism. Everything seemed wonderful. But the truth is, he hadn't really changed inside. He hadn't gone through what is termed in Mosiah as "A Mighty Change" Elder Bednar (my favorite) put it beautifully...

We are instructed to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny [ourselves] of all ungodliness” (Moroni 10:32), to become “new creature[s]” in Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), to put off “the natural man” (Mosiah 3:19), and to experience “a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2). Please note that the conversion described in these verses is mighty, not minor—a spiritual rebirth and fundamental change of what we feel and desire, what we think and do, and what we are. Indeed, the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ entails a fundamental and permanent change in our very nature made possible through our reliance upon “the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah” (2 Nephi 2:8). As we choose to follow the Master, we choose to be changed—to be spiritually reborn. March 2007 General Conference "Ye Must Be Born Again".

I don't think that converts to the gospel always understand what a big change it is in your life. They have grown up seeing religion as something you do on Sunday's. In most religions, its just a matter of going through the motions and not really a way of LIFE like it is for us. This is especially dangerous for those who initially investigate the church to please someone else. Of course, I believe they like the way the church makes them feel, and they feel the spirit. They probably believe the Book of Mormon is true and genuinely WANT to be a member of our church. But they have no comprehension of what it means to truly BECOME a member of the church. Once they join, and are married to their loved one- like my friend, it becomes apparent just how difficult it is. Old friends for example, are still going to break the word of wisdom, and give him/her pressure about why they suddenly can't. Paying tithing becomes a burden, especially in early hard years of marriage. Going to church on Sundays was always optional before, and suddenly they are expected to go ALWAYS, hold a calling, and give many hours of time to said calling. This pressure became too much for my friend's husband and after 3 years of marriage he just stopped going to church. He slowly began old habits again- at first just occasionally to make his friends happy- and then more regularly. He went from paying tithing when they could afford it, to forbidding her to pay tithing at all. And slowly their marriage, SO happy at first dissolved.

I believe they still love each other to this day, but he couldn't be what she needed him to be- because he had not experienced that "mighty change". Like the human in the story, he wanted to be what she wanted...but was unable to make the complete commitment inside.

Girls, there is a point to all of this, that you can OBVIOUSLY see. The temptation to date non-members is a strong one. And there are many GOOD guys out there, who will join the church and be wonderful converts to the gospel. But only when they join for the right reasons. It is so imperative that we put up lines of defense against the danger here. First of all, DON'T date non-members. You can't fall in love with one if you don't date them in the first place. Am I saying, don't be friends? NO- I think you should be friends with non-members, and try to bring the gospel to them as much as possible. But when you throw dating and love into the mix it just confuses everything. How can a guy genuinely know if he is joining because he loves you...and wants to make you happy?

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are dating someone who isn't a member and you want them to join the church (obviously) you have to be honest with yourself and realistic about this. If you truly want them to join, you need to remove yourself completely from the equation. There can't be even an insinuated promise that you can "be together" if he joins. That just confuses everything-- You can introduce him to the missionaries, you can introduce him to other friends who can fellowship him. But that is where it needs to end. Anything else you say to him is going to muddy the waters. You can't expect him to listen to your testimony and see it as anything but trying to convince him so that you can be together in the long run. You are NOT an impartial party.

Does that make sense ladies? And I know anyone who has ever been in this situation will tell you that you can't pretend that you are "just friends"-- when you love someone. You would be as bad as the human pretending to be a monkey...You would be lying to yourself and your "friend" and everyone else.

--- And the plain and bitter truth ladies is this.

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds"

You cannot truly love someone "if". What does that mean exactly? Well, it means you can't truly love someone if you are placing conditions upon that love.

Example.

"I love Joe so much, but I won't really be happy until he loses 15 lbs, I mean he could be SO handsome...i will love him more when that happens"

"I really love Sam, but his smoking habit bothers me, I really can't be with him unless he quits"

or- "I really love Grant, but I can't be with him unless he joins the church."

You can't really love someone with a condition placed upon that love. You can have strong feelings for them, but its not love unless you love them completely.

What is love? Gosh- I could go on all day. But TRUE LOVE, is knowing that you are completed by the other. Knowing everything bad about someone and not caring! Loving their faults as much as their strengths. Its a feeling of joy and light, its something you want to shout to the world and tell your friends and family every single detail of. Its a feeling that you want everyone to share. You would do anything for the person you love, and you accept them completely just the way they are. I remember when I first knew I was in love with my (not yet) husband. He was asleep with his head in my lap and I was overwhelmed with this desire to care for him, to do things for him and that I would do anything to make him happy. I described the feeling of love at the time to another friend as like light pouring out of every cell of my body. I had thought, once before in high school that I was in love. And I still believe that I LOVED that boy, very much-- but I didn't know how wonderful or complete love could be until I fell for my husband. Of course, in that first "high school love" I had no idea what I would someday experience. Love as an adult was something more comfortable, a feeling that I wasn't complete without him in my life. Its hard to describe ladies, and truthfully everyone feels it differently- however I CAN tell you MUCH easier what love is NOT...

Love is NOT something you have to hide, or keep a secret. It is not something that you don't want to tell your friends about, or something that you have to sneak around for. Its not something that leaves you with a guilty feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is not something that you keep hidden from your family and lie to them about the details because you know in your heart how they will react.

And someone who TRULY LOVES YOU or even CARES for you in return- will never ask you to change who you are for that love. They will not ask you to lie, (and I am not saying they would ever say that in words, just that they expect it because of the things they ask you to do) they will not ask you to do things that you know are wrong. They will not try to meet you in secret. They will be open, and honest. They will not be afraid to meet your parents. They will want you to tell your family about them, and will be uncomfortable with secrecy. They will respect any decision you make, even if it is hard for them. They will NEVER tell you "what you are going to do" or try to manipulate your thoughts and feelings their way.

Ladies. Please don't misunderstand me. There are good men out there who are not members of the church. If you find yourself attracted to one, I am not saying "RUN THE OTHER WAY". I have seen a few successful marriages between a lifelong member and a convert- but they are hard on both. Understand up front that there are many struggles and trials that come to such a relationship based on years or being raised and taught differently. But it can work...IF...he joins the church for him, and not for you. The marriages that I have seen- and I can think of 2 specifically. The man joined the church after breaking up with the girl...and it was some time later. Or while they were separated, he investigated the church on his own.

Mostly I ask you to be honest with yourself. Don't change who you are for ANY GUY- Member or NOT! And I will reiterate that no one who truly cares for you will ask you to do things that you know are wrong.

Most important is my advice to be honest with yourself. When you investigate the inner workings of your heart it's easy to lie to yourself and believe that you can "play with fire and not get burned" its easy to believe that you are "smarter than" the other girls out there, and that you can overcome the obstacles. Its easy to justify your actions as "towards a higher cause" and talk yourself into believing that you are are just trying to help this guy find the gospel. As much as you WANT to be altruistic and believe that its just about him...that is lying to yourself. One of my husband's favorite quotes is that "justification is the grease on the slide to the devil"... we talk ourselves into believing what we want to in order to get what we want.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

Okay, I will step off my soapbox for the moment...

Are you a "builder, or a destroyer?"

So my 5 year old is fascinated with destroying things (thanks to Lego Batman on the Wii). We have had many conversations recently about why we would rather "build" than destroy. He can't seem to grasp why destroying things is bad..."but Mami, I would rebuild it!" he says to me. Wow...the innocence of a 5 year old and the ability to quickly rebuild the lego creation he has made.

It got me thinking though...I was watching a TV show where one young lady was talking badly about another young lady, and it hit me what she was doing was, in essence, destroying.

We as girls, or women, no matter our age have opportunities EVERYDAY to build or destroy others. We all know the destroyers, the girls who are unkind to others to their face, or behind their backs. The girls who gossip and talk about another girl who isn't as pretty as, as well dressed as, or as WHATEVER as they are. The girls who pointedly ignore another girl, when it would be so easy to include her in their conversation....YES we all know these girls, and I would be willing to wager we have all BEEN that girl at some point in time. Its so easy to whisper to a friend about another girls hideous haircut, or giggle about how bad her make-up is that day. Its so easy to get mad at a friend and tell someone else secrets about them that you know will break their heart to be found out.

Its easy to destroy!

We all know the builders too, those girls that make a point of talking to everyone, who have a smile for every person who walks by. Those girls who we get SO irritated with sometimes because they won't talk bad about anyone...even though we are. We know the girls who make a point of complimenting a shy girl, or drawing the new girl into a conversation. The girls who invite "that weird girl" to their party...just to be nice!

-- So ladies, which are you? Are you a builder? Do you make an effort to make each person feel like a better person when you are around, to never want to hurt or to be unkind? Are you the kind of person who finds ways to make people smile, and to serve those who are hurting? Or are you a destroyer? And if you are, what can you do to change it? I think we all have had moments where we have felt better about ourselves after someone else made a positive influence in our lives. How can YOU be THAT girl?

I personally know there have been times in my life where I destroyed a little, where I thought (like my 5 year old) that my words weren't going to be THAT big of a deal...and I could always fix the damage later, right? Wrong. You can never erase unkind actions or words...believe me, I have tried.

I remember one day when I was about 16 a guy had hurt me. This was a guy that everyone liked, but he was a jokester and teased unmercifully. I found out later that he had a little crush on me, and of course teased me even worse (stupid boys). Well, one day something that he said really hurt, and even though I KNEW he didn't mean it, I LET HIM HAVE IT! I didn't just tell him off, I did it in front of other people. My words were cutting and sharp. I have always had a way with words and I used my intelligence to wound him, with an audience!

Gals, I will never forget the look on his face. It worked! He was hurt, and badly...and everyone was there to witness his "destruction". For about 30 seconds I felt elated, and vengeful- he got what he deserved, I thought. Then I saw his face.  I wished so hard that I could have taken those words back. We can do so much damage in just a short time span with hurtful words. Our "friendship" was never the same, and he was always very careful around me, not to talk much. I was a destroyer.

How much better would it have been, for me to swallow my anger and pride and talk to him later, in private and tell him that his teasing was bothering me. My words were painful for him, and I did it on PURPOSE!

I learned an important lesson that day, that speaking in anger and the heat of the moment, might be gratifying for a moment...but it inflicts long term scars. I always felt badly about my words- and never forgot them. And worse, other people remembered me for them. That's NOT how you want to be remembered, ya know? I would rather use my gift with words to help, and make others happy. I want to remember the faces of those I am around because of their happiness, not their hurt.

 Be A Builder

Find ways to brighten the world around you as much as you can. Bring a smile to those who are sad, and serve those in need. Make the world around you a better place and you will always be surrounded by friends and people that love you :)

Can you be a good girl and still have fun?

So today at church I had a conversation with a couple of cute young women, and our conversation got me wondering about something that I think a lot of girls struggle with.
"Can you be a "good girl" and still have fun?"
First of all I think you "young'ens" look at us "old folks" and assume that we have always been respectable sweet little mommies who made all the right decisions. I am not sure where that idea comes from, but it seems to be pervasive-- I remember believing it about my OWN adult leaders back in the day.-- But the truth is that it is FAR FROM TRUE! We were silly giggling teenagers once too, we teepeed our friends houses, hung out at parks after dark (shock!) and got in trouble for talking or passing notes in class. I remember one particular Sunday School teacher that we teased unmercifully, and he got soooo frustrated with our continual class interruptions. And I know my early morning seminary teacher (who happened to be my best friends Mom) would tell you COUNTLESS things about our giggling and whispering in the middle of her wonderful, carefully prepared lessons.
YES, we were normal, we had a good time, we got in trouble occasionally and we didn't always make perfect choices. But were we "good girls" YES, I believe we were. I believe we spent a little too much focus on "having fun" but deep inside we knew the gospel was true. We knew that we wanted to stay clean and pure and prepare ourselves for our future husband. We shied away from the really dangerous things, because we knew they were BAD for us. We didn't go to wild parties, get drunk, or experiment with drugs and alcohol. But we HAD FUN!
What it boils down to, is that you can be "a good girl" and you can have a blast doing it. There is nothing wrong with WANTING to make right choices. There is nothing wrong with standing out for being the girl who doesn't drink, or play around with guys. I think that my friends inside and outside of church respected me for that- and knew that I was still a lot of fun at the same time.
I remember that my two best friends and I had this inside joke as teenagers. We would joke about the fact that we could get drunk on "Crystal Light". We could stay up all night laughing and giggling and having a blast without needing alcohol like most of our friends at school.
...Did we always make the right choices? No, I will be the first to tell you that we didn't. There were things that I wish I could go back and do differently-sure. But the most important thing was that we WANTED TO. We prayed at night for help making decisions, and wanted to be "good". We wanted our Father in Heaven to smile when he saw us having a big party with our friends-- without any mind altering garbage to get in the way. I remember one night playing twister for hours with a bunch of friends...we had SO MUCH FUN- harmless, laughing so hard you puke kind of fun.
So the bottom line is- BE GOOD. Make the right choices, and don't be ashamed of it in the process. "The sordid things in life leave you with nothing but tarnished memories" (Emilie Loring)
. Live the kind of life that you can enjoy...and look back on and smile and say "yeah, that was fun!"
Laura, Audrey- I miss you! CRYSTAL LIGHT FOREVER! ;)

My Dream :)

So I had this dream the other night that I thought was a really great analogy for what dating is all about! So I thought I would share, mostly because its fun...and hopefully informative in some small way.

In my dream I was at this big party, that I am guessing was at some kind of resort, or hotel. There were people everywhere dressed up and they were dancing, and eating, and there was loud music, it was a bit overwhelming. It was fun at first and I was a little distracted, but I remember wandering around the party looking for my husband. Guys kept coming up to me and trying to get me to talk to them, or dance with them, or give me food, etc...but all I wanted to do was get past them so that I could find my husband. There were all these different levels and staircases and I kept climbing from level to level and the party got quieter and less crazy- the people were nicer and there were less of them on every level. Still every time I got to a new level I would have to wander around, and tell guys that I wasn't interested. Finally I remember having kind of an "aha" moment, I knew that my husband would be on the top level, because he liked quiet and peace. I knew I would find him up there, so I rushed up the stairs and past all the parties and people and there he was, waiting for me at the top- he took me in his arms and gave me a big hug- and it was just the best feeling...knowing I had worked so hard to find him and being with him was the most peaceful wonderful feeling in the world. Then I woke up! The best part of course is that he was right next to me and I could snuggle up next to him and thank my Father in Heaven that I really did find him in real life.
So-- the moral of this crazy dream? I think its a parallel for dating life. We wander through different groups, different levels in our life- waiting always for the right person for us. We search through crowds of other guys, knowing somehow that they aren't who we are looking for. I don't think that its incidental that I found him on the topmost level...in the peace and quiet. I think we get distracted for a time looking for the "flashy" and the "heartpounding" kind of love- the "twitterpation" as my parents always called it. When what we are really seeking is the peace, and quiet joy from knowing that we are with someone who loves us as much as we love them. I am not saying that there is "ONE" person for each of us, and that we have to search through the crowds to find "the one". But simply that we have to get past all those different levels of what we THINK we want in a relationship- and realize that true love comes in the comfort of quiet moments. True love is a feeling of perfect peace within ourselves. Suddenly having "fireworks" together and feeling "swept off your feet" seems less important than just simply being together and enjoying every minute of it.