Another crazy dream...with a point!

So, part of pregnancy is very vivid dreams. I promise they will stop and I won't be so "philosophical" after the baby comes :) I don't always remember my dreams, and they are usually very random and crazy, and not worth mentioning, but every now and then...one will stand out as something I can learn from. Last night was one of those, it woke me up out of a sound sleep and I can still remember it vividly, so it must be important!

Here goes. Be prepared-- its a little strange...but there IS a point.

A human fell in love with a monkey, and the monkey with him. She told him that in order to marry, he would have to become a monkey too...He thought, easy...I can do that! So she put him through "monkey school" He learned all the basics, like grooming, monkey language-- and weirdly enough in the dream they even had him READ monkey...LOL. He spent a lot of time and effort and worked very hard to learn to be like a monkey. When he was done there was only one small thing left. He had to be changed inside, through magic- so that he would actually BE a monkey.

Now the human knew this was coming, but he thought if he acted like a monkey, and learned everything about being a monkey- that it would be enough. He truly loved the monkey girl and wanted to make her happy- so shouldn't it be enough? He pretended to go through the motions of the magic and the monkeys aren't super smart so they didn't figure out that he wasn't really a monkey. The girl monkey suspected he hadn't really changed inside, but she thought it would be enough. The Monkey and the human (wannabe monkey) were married. They were happy for awhile, and the monkey was so glad that he had changed for her. But slowly over time little things started to creep up, little things that were just easier to do as a human. It didn't happen all at once, but evenutally the human decided that he was tired of acting like a monkey...it was HARD. It was much easier to be a human, and he had the girl now- so why pretend anymore. He still loved her, but at this point he felt like she should just accept him for who he was. This is where I woke up. I can't say what happened in the long run but I will tell you what part of my subconscious came up with this crazy analogy and what it means.

I have a good friend who started dating and converted a non-member to the church. He went through the motions, and seemed to have a strong testimony. He even waited a year so that they could get married in the temple after his baptism. Everything seemed wonderful. But the truth is, he hadn't really changed inside. He hadn't gone through what is termed in Mosiah as "A Mighty Change" Elder Bednar (my favorite) put it beautifully...

We are instructed to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny [ourselves] of all ungodliness” (Moroni 10:32), to become “new creature[s]” in Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), to put off “the natural man” (Mosiah 3:19), and to experience “a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2). Please note that the conversion described in these verses is mighty, not minor—a spiritual rebirth and fundamental change of what we feel and desire, what we think and do, and what we are. Indeed, the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ entails a fundamental and permanent change in our very nature made possible through our reliance upon “the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah” (2 Nephi 2:8). As we choose to follow the Master, we choose to be changed—to be spiritually reborn. March 2007 General Conference "Ye Must Be Born Again".

I don't think that converts to the gospel always understand what a big change it is in your life. They have grown up seeing religion as something you do on Sunday's. In most religions, its just a matter of going through the motions and not really a way of LIFE like it is for us. This is especially dangerous for those who initially investigate the church to please someone else. Of course, I believe they like the way the church makes them feel, and they feel the spirit. They probably believe the Book of Mormon is true and genuinely WANT to be a member of our church. But they have no comprehension of what it means to truly BECOME a member of the church. Once they join, and are married to their loved one- like my friend, it becomes apparent just how difficult it is. Old friends for example, are still going to break the word of wisdom, and give him/her pressure about why they suddenly can't. Paying tithing becomes a burden, especially in early hard years of marriage. Going to church on Sundays was always optional before, and suddenly they are expected to go ALWAYS, hold a calling, and give many hours of time to said calling. This pressure became too much for my friend's husband and after 3 years of marriage he just stopped going to church. He slowly began old habits again- at first just occasionally to make his friends happy- and then more regularly. He went from paying tithing when they could afford it, to forbidding her to pay tithing at all. And slowly their marriage, SO happy at first dissolved.

I believe they still love each other to this day, but he couldn't be what she needed him to be- because he had not experienced that "mighty change". Like the human in the story, he wanted to be what she wanted...but was unable to make the complete commitment inside.

Girls, there is a point to all of this, that you can OBVIOUSLY see. The temptation to date non-members is a strong one. And there are many GOOD guys out there, who will join the church and be wonderful converts to the gospel. But only when they join for the right reasons. It is so imperative that we put up lines of defense against the danger here. First of all, DON'T date non-members. You can't fall in love with one if you don't date them in the first place. Am I saying, don't be friends? NO- I think you should be friends with non-members, and try to bring the gospel to them as much as possible. But when you throw dating and love into the mix it just confuses everything. How can a guy genuinely know if he is joining because he loves you...and wants to make you happy?

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are dating someone who isn't a member and you want them to join the church (obviously) you have to be honest with yourself and realistic about this. If you truly want them to join, you need to remove yourself completely from the equation. There can't be even an insinuated promise that you can "be together" if he joins. That just confuses everything-- You can introduce him to the missionaries, you can introduce him to other friends who can fellowship him. But that is where it needs to end. Anything else you say to him is going to muddy the waters. You can't expect him to listen to your testimony and see it as anything but trying to convince him so that you can be together in the long run. You are NOT an impartial party.

Does that make sense ladies? And I know anyone who has ever been in this situation will tell you that you can't pretend that you are "just friends"-- when you love someone. You would be as bad as the human pretending to be a monkey...You would be lying to yourself and your "friend" and everyone else.

--- And the plain and bitter truth ladies is this.

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds"

You cannot truly love someone "if". What does that mean exactly? Well, it means you can't truly love someone if you are placing conditions upon that love.

Example.

"I love Joe so much, but I won't really be happy until he loses 15 lbs, I mean he could be SO handsome...i will love him more when that happens"

"I really love Sam, but his smoking habit bothers me, I really can't be with him unless he quits"

or- "I really love Grant, but I can't be with him unless he joins the church."

You can't really love someone with a condition placed upon that love. You can have strong feelings for them, but its not love unless you love them completely.

What is love? Gosh- I could go on all day. But TRUE LOVE, is knowing that you are completed by the other. Knowing everything bad about someone and not caring! Loving their faults as much as their strengths. Its a feeling of joy and light, its something you want to shout to the world and tell your friends and family every single detail of. Its a feeling that you want everyone to share. You would do anything for the person you love, and you accept them completely just the way they are. I remember when I first knew I was in love with my (not yet) husband. He was asleep with his head in my lap and I was overwhelmed with this desire to care for him, to do things for him and that I would do anything to make him happy. I described the feeling of love at the time to another friend as like light pouring out of every cell of my body. I had thought, once before in high school that I was in love. And I still believe that I LOVED that boy, very much-- but I didn't know how wonderful or complete love could be until I fell for my husband. Of course, in that first "high school love" I had no idea what I would someday experience. Love as an adult was something more comfortable, a feeling that I wasn't complete without him in my life. Its hard to describe ladies, and truthfully everyone feels it differently- however I CAN tell you MUCH easier what love is NOT...

Love is NOT something you have to hide, or keep a secret. It is not something that you don't want to tell your friends about, or something that you have to sneak around for. Its not something that leaves you with a guilty feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is not something that you keep hidden from your family and lie to them about the details because you know in your heart how they will react.

And someone who TRULY LOVES YOU or even CARES for you in return- will never ask you to change who you are for that love. They will not ask you to lie, (and I am not saying they would ever say that in words, just that they expect it because of the things they ask you to do) they will not ask you to do things that you know are wrong. They will not try to meet you in secret. They will be open, and honest. They will not be afraid to meet your parents. They will want you to tell your family about them, and will be uncomfortable with secrecy. They will respect any decision you make, even if it is hard for them. They will NEVER tell you "what you are going to do" or try to manipulate your thoughts and feelings their way.

Ladies. Please don't misunderstand me. There are good men out there who are not members of the church. If you find yourself attracted to one, I am not saying "RUN THE OTHER WAY". I have seen a few successful marriages between a lifelong member and a convert- but they are hard on both. Understand up front that there are many struggles and trials that come to such a relationship based on years or being raised and taught differently. But it can work...IF...he joins the church for him, and not for you. The marriages that I have seen- and I can think of 2 specifically. The man joined the church after breaking up with the girl...and it was some time later. Or while they were separated, he investigated the church on his own.

Mostly I ask you to be honest with yourself. Don't change who you are for ANY GUY- Member or NOT! And I will reiterate that no one who truly cares for you will ask you to do things that you know are wrong.

Most important is my advice to be honest with yourself. When you investigate the inner workings of your heart it's easy to lie to yourself and believe that you can "play with fire and not get burned" its easy to believe that you are "smarter than" the other girls out there, and that you can overcome the obstacles. Its easy to justify your actions as "towards a higher cause" and talk yourself into believing that you are are just trying to help this guy find the gospel. As much as you WANT to be altruistic and believe that its just about him...that is lying to yourself. One of my husband's favorite quotes is that "justification is the grease on the slide to the devil"... we talk ourselves into believing what we want to in order to get what we want.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

Okay, I will step off my soapbox for the moment...